Two
Kinds of Bossy &
Two Kinds of Jerks
I want to make myself clear on a particular point. BOTH INFJs and INFPs might be considered bossy; BOTH INFJs and INFPs might be considered jerks. This is not a useful way of sorting out these two types, unless you're willing to dig beyond the negative value judgment. The problem is that the terms "bossy" and "jerk" are useless, because they are nonspecific about behavior, and can mean anything. People usually define the terms however it pleases them at any given time. In fact, some people act as if there's a 17th type -- the J-E-R-K.
INFJs sometimes get labelled "jerks" or "bossy" because of their directing style. Informing types might resent being "directed" as to what to do and the labels appear.
On the other hand, directing types sometimes think informing types are "manipulative" because they can't just say what they want. Directing types get impatient because informing can start to feel like an irritating "game" and then the labels appear.
INFPs can also be considered bossy for another reason -- it's possible for their Dominant Introverted Feeling to spiral out of control. Here's a quote from Carl Jung:
"Unchecked, the ego of the introvert assumes an overriding importance. The mysterious power of intensive feeling turns into a banal and overweening desire to dominate, into vanity and despotic bossiness."
In a similar vein, some INFJs can get too "married" to their introverted iNtuition -- their vision of how things should be -- and they can get bossy about pushing people into realizing that glorious (perhaps impossible) vision. (I'm still seeking a Carl Jung quote to describe that, but I'll plead guilty.)
The point is, we've now established that both types can be jerks, and both types can be bossy. If someone tells you that you're a jerk or bossy, try to discover what particular behavior manifested the label. Was it the content of the message, or the way the message was delivered? Probe to discover whether directing or informing was used and got communicated as jerki/bossiness. Put aside content in order to get to style -- as Marshall McLuhan said, "the medium is the message." It's not what you say; it's how you say it.
If that's not the problem, it's time to analyze content. Pay attention to whether the function demanding obedience is emanating from a Feeling process or an iNtuition process. Since it's an introverted function, it won't be easy to tell about somebody else, but speculation might work. If it's something you're doing yourself, it should be easier to sort out your own motives. Once that's established, you can use the communication style model in conjunction with the type model to properly sort out personality type without getting hung up with possibly inappropriate negative value judgments -- the very thing we want to get away from by employing the use of Type in the first place!
