I read about all this on the Interaction
Styles
site but had never fully understood the difference. I can see a 'directing' style clearly in my
ENTJ son, and an 'informing' style in my INFP son, but I'm not overtly bossy -
at least I don't think so -- and I don't try to organize people. Well, not
much <g>
But Vicky Jo gave some examples, which showed what I think of as 'clear communication' and 'hinting'.
It reminded me, years ago, of a time when I was sitting at the
computer typing one morning and my husband had a load of boxes he had to put into
the car to take to work, piled on a sofa behind me. After he had taken the
first couple, he said, 'Boy, I have a lot to get in the car!' -- so I turned my
head, and saw how much there was, and nodded in sympathy. 'Yes,' I said, 'That
really does look like a lot!' Then I continued typing.
Ten minutes later he had finished, and came back to say goodbye, but instead of
the hug I expected for being nice and sympathetic, he said, resentfully,
'I don't see why you couldn't have helped me!'
'Oh,' I said, 'Well I guess I could have done. Why didn't you ask?'
'I did!!!' he insisted....
It turned out that when he said 'there are a lot of boxes', he thought he
was asking me to help. If I'd been more awake, I might have thought of helping
anyway but for some reason it didn't occur to me, and I certainly wouldn't
have interpreted a comment as a request.
Other times I've said things like, 'Could you help me with this, please?'
and he's seen it as a rather rude and abrupt order... to me it's a polite
request.
Of course having learned about psychological types we've been able to joke about
this kind of thing, and speak each other's languages somewhat. And as I do tend
to think about meanings behind what's said, I've taught myself to pause
and think (or ask), 'So are you asking me to....?' when my husband makes a
comment of that sort -- at least most of the time.
My husband and I figured out the difference between directing and
informing years ago, without knowing the words, just by figuring out that
we ask for things in different ways. Neither of us barks out requests in a
bossy way, and neither of us whines and insinuates. But (usually) I
direct, and (usually) he informs. I'm really glad to have learned about Informing and Directing styles of language; all these years we (and the kids) have been talking about 'Daddy
language' and 'Mummy language' respectively, but now the boys are almost adult
we really needed a better way of explaining what we were doing when in the
process of translating from one to the other!
I see the styles most clearly in our family when we're talking to the cats
(!) - who are unlikely to consider our exact language, so we're speaking from
our core rather than depending on the listener. If one of the cats jumps on
the dining room table, my ENTJ son or I will say immediately 'Get down!'. My
husband and INFP son will say, 'Cats do not go on tables'. (We would all accompany our words by some physical means of removing the cat from the
table.)
Anyway, it seems clear now that I'm a directing style, even though I'm no 'director' in the normal understanding of the word. And my
ENFP husband, who
has worked as a TV director, and is very good at inspiring and directing people in
that sense, is clearly an informer.
This can come out in the most everyday of friendly circumstances. When I'm trying to meet someone else's needs, I do say things which sound like orders -- as my family have pointed out to me!
If we have guests for a meal, and I notice someone's plate is empty, I
might smile, wave at the dishes on the table, and say, 'Have some more!'
It never occurred to me that this sounds like a command if taken literally
-- it's just the easiest, most straightforward way for me to offer. The
person is free to take more food if they want it, or say 'no thanks' if
they don't.
My husband, by contrast, would say, 'There's lots
more food'. Which, to him, is also the most straightforward way to offer
more to a guest, by letting them know there's plenty left.
But to him, my way sounds rather bossy and directive,
and to me, his way sounds as if he is just passing on information. When I
first heard that kind of informing style, I didn't even know I was being
offered more food! I don't, naturally, interpret information as a request
or offer -- I just take it as information.
My problem with role-informing is that I never seem to know when it's true
role-informing that's trying to give me a hint, and when it's simple 'extraverting'.
For instance, my husband will sometimes say, 'I'm thirsty'. When I first
knew him, I took that as him merely saying something because he likes to talk,
and that what he meant was, 'I'm off to the fridge to find something to
drink'.
Then I learned slowly about role-informing, without knowing what it was --
I thought of it as hinting with an agenda. So I started to take it as,
'Please would you get me something to drink'. That was OK too, I could manage
that.
But the reality is that sometimes he means one thing, and sometimes the other.
Sometimes I'll get up to go to the kitchen, and he'll stop me saying OF
COURSE he didn't mean me to get him the drink, he was just mentioning how he
felt. But other times he'll get annoyed because I haven't understood that he's
worn out and hot, and surely I could make the little gesture of fetching him a
glass of juice.
Another example -- if I'm trying to lift something
heavy, I'd say, 'Could you help me please?' He would say, 'Wow, this is
heavy'. I don't mind him saying that, but it does irritate me if he gives
some information like that, meaning that he would like me to help, and
doesn't actually say so. But as far as he's concerned, he HAS said so.
I've learned to ask (usually) what he's implying by his statement.
Likewise he's learned not to be annoyed by direct requests (usually) and
recognise that he can say 'no'.
Perhaps it's not such a problem with Introverts, who are less likely to
think out loud, so any information of that sort is likely to be a loaded hint.
But when the person mixes up simple extraverting and role-informing, and expects
others to know by context whether or not they're supposed to do anything,
it does seem like a far more complex method of communication.
